as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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