I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
