Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
