She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
