the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
