You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
