I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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