The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
