thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Two words: blizzard sex
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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