I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
