Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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