Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
