The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
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Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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