Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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