I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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