I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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