I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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