seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
