I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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