i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
