I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
