wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
