I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
