I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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