went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
