Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
