How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
