Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
