I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
