i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
