It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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