I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
