last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I forget how to act sober
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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