While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
