Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
