I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
