He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
