so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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