i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
