The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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