Christians are straight up FREAKS
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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