I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
