Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
