I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
