You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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