eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Randomize
