i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
