i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't think brook has ever known best
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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