So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
