I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
