ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
