In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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