What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
