we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
