3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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