I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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