My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
