im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
