my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
