So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
