I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
