is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
